It Has Begun...

     It's taking me a while to first even figure out what to create. On one hand, if I make something simple, I feel like I would have wasted months on creating a hallucinatory Rock, or Plant or something... On the other hand, if I create something complex, I have a greater possibility of disfiguring, distorting, or corrupting the Tulpa. Nor do I want to risk becoming discouraged or unenthused in my efforts by creating something too difficult for a beginner. Probably the worst thing I could do right now is chip away at my self-esteem. I'm sure it directly or indirectly affects my tulpa somehow; so I might as well just jump right in and create a human.. or "human".

     There are certain thoughts running through my head. I could make anyone! My research has advised against the visualization of anyone you know, or any basis/qualities of people you know. This especially involves crushes, actors, heroes, deceased family members, etc. I do not only respect this warning, but I strongly agree with its intentions as well. The temptation, however, is so great. As embarrassing as it is to admit this, I do so because I feel most people would feel the urge to create the perfect companion. I most certainly would like to. I could make myself a nice, shapely, acrobatic, flexible "roux", with long curly red hair, a light dusting of freckles on her warm pale cheeks, deep purple irises, flawless skin not dissimilar to the feel of velour by golden patina of blonde peach fuzz that stipples it, a subtle lavender aroma, and any other "features" a man of 20 years would wish to endow. Let us be thankful for the disappointment of foresight.

     Were I to create such perfection, I could never interact in a way I could with a real woman. No relationship could be formed in any healthy manner. I am unsure at how much independence I would allow a sentient companion of my own creation. Could I let her leave me? Would I destroy her? I would like to think not, but I often fail to meet, or adversely, exceed my own expectations. What would happen if she grew an attachment, and I happened to form a "real" relationship outside of my own illusion and control? There are too many complications, on the sides of both parties, and no tangible benefits whatsoever. I suppose I could make myself believe that the situation could be made platonic, no attraction, just great friends, but this is obviously me lying to myself. The truth of the matter is that I have enough girl friends, but no girlfriend. I'm thirsty, trying to balance my own personal growth with my social, and life-time foundations and establishments, merely hoping that along my journey, I'll find the one who's right for me... but I'm going on too much. I've already made up my mind that a chick would be a bad idea... An Idea I never entertained before, but am now forcing myself to, is the possibility of creating a same-sex tulpa.

     I've been trying too hard to avoid the subject all together. I feel like making a male would be uncomfortable for me, and for various reasons. I'd love to create a pegasus, a simurgh, peri, or other mythical creature, but I know my own form. Effortlessly, I can picture my own features in my mind, and in three dimensional planes. I can, with eyes open or closed, look at myself from any angle. Behind, above, in front, below, and in extreme detail. To the point of where I have been able to see how many fingers someone is holding behind their back just by "looking" at them from their rear view, all in my mind's eye. This technique, I know, will aid in my tulpa's genesis. I tend not to question my abilities such as this one, for fear I might lose them. Back on the subject of my discomfort on the idea, I have maybe One, or Two (at most) real guy friends. I'm very competitive, and aside from my cousins I grew up with, not many dudes make it past my personal wall. The ones who have, have done so under rare circumstances, such as my best friend Andrew, who invited me to a "protest party"at his house in New Orleans when I lived there. I never even talked to him before the party, but strangely enough, no one he invited showed up... except me, so I stayed, and aided in the protest of his neighbors reporting his trampoline as a community hazard. The police ordered it to be removed, so we took it out of the front yard... and put it on the roof, where we jumped and had a merry ol' time until the city finally gave in and let us bring it back down. We were both originally from California, and just had a lot in common. Aside from Andrew, 100% of people I hang out with on a regular basis are girls. I was raised by women, raised around women, spent practically the first 10 years of my life without a dad, and I just generally don't get along with other dudes. This, once again, could be a self-esteem issue :D. I can, of course, be civil, respectful, and most polite, but opposites have always attracted for me.

     This being the case, and I, always putting myself out of my comfort zone for the purpose of personal growth (AND SCIENCE!), am seriously contemplating creating a.. bro. Something most normal people have, and something I've deprived myself of... I'll leave further contemplation for the morning... well later in the morning anyways.